responsible

decided to be responsible. no risks, no chances. can you respect your mind and disregard your heart? are you still responsible.

If I laugh just a little bit
maybe I can forget the chance
that I didn't have to know you
and live in peace, in peace

If I laugh just a little bit
maybe I can forget the plans that
I didn't use to get you
at home -- with me -- alone

If I laugh just a little bit
maybe I can recall the way
that I used to be, before you
and sleep at night -- and dream
If I laugh, baby if I laugh

just a little bit --

fuck fuck fuck responsibility.

december 18th

it's december 18th, with 29 minutes until tomorrow.

everything has been on a timer recently; the digital clock in the morning, an analog ticks in the afternoon, and the last sand of 2010 streams steadily from the top of the hourglass.

is the tide coming in or going out? did i start this castle too close to the water's edge? it's too late to start over. do i try to save it or let the ocean take it back

i and love and you

Load the car and write the note

Grab your bag and grab your coat

Tell the ones that need to know

We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back

But it don't pay, to live like that

So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks

For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak

I used all my words to fight

With him and her and you and me

Oh but its just a waste of time

Yeah its such a waste of time

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

What you were then, I am today

Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age

Your dreams to catch the world, the cage

The highway sets the travelers stage

All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

it's like a whole other country: well let's not go as far as that

it's happened without me even knowing it; the hooks have been planted. (to get out of the passive voice, texas has me hooked). who knew a couple toots on a harmonica and some strums on a steel guitar would have me loving the lone star state? let's not get carried away however, it's austin i love, seeing as i've never been to any other city in TX. but it's been a pleasure hearing that little twang in everyone's voices and who can argue with the efficiency of y'all? all of these manners, boots, fields, snaps on shirts, and trucks did it in for me.

what can i say, i'm deep in the heart of texas and i love it.

on getting older and other obscenities

it's been a long road to 19, in all seriousness.

this birthday felt different than some of the others... perhaps because it was the first one i've spent by myself, in my own place, with my own job. [with the knowledge of taxes looming in the spring, eek.] or perhaps i have finally hit an age where getting older doesn't seem so exciting. well i have decided that, while i am sure i will embrace every year as it comes, maybe next year should be my 75th; just for fun.

and just imagine, if i were 75, that this is what my 'photo from the old days' would look like.

let's hope i could be that fabulous.

rout with the cleaning crew

you know what doesn't need to happen on a wednesday afternoon?

leaf blowing.

the harsh buzz of it's electric motor seems to drown out all happy thoughts previously swirling inside your head and replaces them with the dull pain of a headache. every time. for me, patches of leaves laying delicately on the sidewalk, clustered along the edge of a brick wall, or nestled beneath the tree from which it fell is a calming scene. a fallen leaf signifies the turn of the summer season into autumn to which we greet with open arms and cowl neck sweaters. there's no need for all this blowing-around drama. upsetting the natural flow of things;

dang, anything else?

love to live

sometimes all you need is a hug; that piece of physical contact to remind you you're a part of someone's life. their chest touches yours and the heat makes contact with your skin. like slipping into a hot bath on a cold evening, your shivering ceases for that moment. your arms wrap under theirs as they take you in, holding you, as you release into them for support. your head turns to rest on their shoulder; facing outward so that your head tucks into the crook of their neck like a puzzle piece.

you breath. it feels weightless, like how breathing is supposed to be.

choices

it's one or the other. you two are like night and day, i swear. if a spectrum could be more opposite, it would put you on separate sides of the earth ... wait, you already are. physically.

and how do i respond? is there a different part of mar designated for each of you? i don't feel like a sectioned piece of poultry, but perhaps it's a separation under the surface; undetectable.

maybe it's like apples and oranges. they cannot be compared and neither is superior, but merely looked at as unique entities. so is it citrus or pomes?

i say banana for now.

stay free.

at first glance

at first glance, i was a vagabond. or maybe i was homeless ... at least some kind of wandering penniless harlot. that's what you'd assume a person walking along the highway would be; one of those three. head down against the texas sun at 3 in the afternoon, squinting to look forward at the cars whizzing by; making a face easily misconstrued as hopelessness. the eyes in the cars follow you for a second, unwilling to turn their heads, so as not to look on too directly.

i was on the way to an appointment with the dermatologist. no vagabond here. in an attempt to arrive at EO Med Spa without walking too far in the afternoon sun, i pulled the bus cord too late. i saw the last rout 21 bus stop sign right before crossing over the highway, but the bus had already began its descent across the underpass, joining the car traffic and coming to a stop on the other side. half a mile too far.

i exited the doors and thanked the driver politely. trudging along the side of the concrete barrier with oncoming highway traffic a little too close on my right, i let the cars think whatever they wanted about some tall girl in a blue workshirt squinting and walking along Mopac at 3 in the afternoon.

deep thoughts and other ideas on life

i love when i'm alone in the house; it's like pants were never invented. sarcasm needs its own font. if you're naming your facebook album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married. just once, i'd like to be a puppetmaster and have nothing go wrong. some episodes of spongebob make me wish crabby patties were real. first day at work? clog up the office toilet on purpose to assert dominance. sometimes i con't stop tolking in a british ahccent.

haikus are easy

but sometimes they don't make sense

refrigerator

once in a while, i make what i can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. iced coffee, banana, two dumps ... life is good.

back to ballet, what keeps it all going

it's back to ballet for me.

it's the only thing that keeps me sane,

while sentencing me to a life of insanity.

it's a committed relationship i can't break up with;

it keeps me challenged, disciplined, and most importantly happy.

don't worry, i'll never leave you.

the beauty ...

the drama ...

the power ...

the strength ...

the romance ...

the rewards ...

... and the (beautiful) gay men.

let's be friends again!

to pass the time

i pushed down hard on the pedal and the wheels began to wobble me slowly forward. the second push and i was off. cautiously braking down the hill, a little jerk here and there, gaining speed as i neared the end of the slope. i turned and steadied out, picking up speed again as i crossed the street. it sent wind through my hair and billowed my shirt. i rode through the grass and the blades hit the bottom of the pedals in consecutive swooshes.

loose stones are not a good riding surface. nor are woodchips.

the magic of a ride ended quickly.

wrapping up & winding down

it is great to be alive.

to wake up and keep your eyes closed for an 3 extra minutes,

to take the summer sheet off your legs and leave it rumpled at the base of the bed.

to walk to the back door with a glass of water in your underwear,

just to survey the morning.

it is great to be strong.

to stand on both feet, set hip width apart in a stance of power.

to let the left leg give in to your weight and test out a sassier pose too.

to feel your knees, ankles, and feet

holding up your frame.

it is great to know who you are.

to have a pencil list of all your favorite things, with room for additions.

to be careful of your faults,

to have a purpose for each day,

knowing that the mistakes you make today can be fixed tomorrow.

working it out

the sweat is trickling nastily down my shins and forearms ... who knew you could sweat there? as i glance down at the dirt line where my gloves once were, the glint and sparkle of the ring you gave me blinds my eyes for a split-second. i know it's you saying "get back to work" from 650 miles away.

i slept in this morning, throwing off the working schedule that is dictated by the sun. i'll have to do those extra 4 hours tonight.

personne ne dit il comme edith

Mon Dieu,

Laissez-le-moi

Encore un peu,

Mon amoureux.

Un jour, deux jours, huit jours...

Laissez-le-moi

Encore un peu

A moi...

2m 5d

T-minus 140

life is filled with its own very special types of hilarity ... especially the kind where you're on house arrest. never having experienced grounding or parental punishment, spending 2 weeks as a "household laborer" is quite eye-opening. this morning i pulled weeds, mailed items, and vacuumed. tomorrow i wash windows and stain shingles. let's not forget about surging the edges of 500 squares of red velvet cloth. sounds pointless right? i suggest you ask the carnegie institution about their 7x7 inch velvet square needs ... i need 150 hours of work in until i am freed. i've clocked 10.

not quite sure if i am allowed contact with the outside world; when i exit the domicile, does everyone know? can't they read the big "CRIMINAL" written on my forehead?

les poemes de jacques prevert

Paris la Nuit

Trois allumettes une à une allumées dans la nuit

La premiére pour voir ton visage tout entier

La seconde pour voir tes yeux

La dernière pour voir ta bouche

Et l'obscuritè tout entière pour me rappeler tout cela

En te serrant dans mes bras.

Chanson

Quel jour sommes-nous

Nous sommes tous les jours

Mon amie 


Nous sommes toute la vie 


Mon amour 


Nous nous aimons et nous vivons

Nous vivons et nous nous aimons 


Et nous ne savons pas ce que c'est que la vie

Et nous ne savons pas ce que c'est que le jour

Et nous ne savons pas ce que c'est que l'amour.

Le Jardin

Des milliers et des milliers d'années 


Ne sauraient suffire 


Pour dire 


La petite seconde d'éternité 


Où tu m'as embrassé 


Où je t'ai embrassèe

Un matin dans la lumière de l'hiver

Au parc Montsouris à Paris

A Paris

Sur la terre 


La terre qui est un astre.

mze

maze, dead end.

off track, lost?

rough

copy, file, write, walk, determine, decide, debate.

organize, pile, staple, think, order, buy, return.

blink, breath, listen, wait.

stay awake. stay awake. stay awake.

sleep 3 hours. and a 20 minute nap.

SLIP N' SLIDE?

sick

sick.

sick with the thoughts and the guilt, nauseated at the memory.

violently ill - the churning below my ribcage escalates to a swirling typhoon until the stomach cannot hold it in. leakage trickles from my eyes.

how long will this last? can i get past this myself?

for i am alone.

to do

today's 'to do' list:

-doctor's appointment

-work out

-go to pool

-eat dinner

today's actual activities:

-get HEP B shot ... dangle left arm around sadly.

-1/2 hour of Gilad [Israeli fitness GOD] ... proceed to sit in front of the FitTV channel and watch Brazil Bodies for the next hour.

-look up Underwater Pogo-Stick, as seen in Sky Mall

-let eyes glaze over for full minute only to blink and realize contacts dry out rather quickly without constant attention

fun with food

characters in ATX

one year in the ATX (that's the lingo here for austin, tx) has showed me a great many things ... some of which i'd like to forget! living without a tv sounded crazy to most, but what they failed to realize was the bounty of entertainment the city of austin has to offer, just waiting outside your front door.

my favorite characters this year, who still provide a smile on the saddest of days, are as follows: (the few that have failed to erase from my mind)

-man who rides his bike in a thong & only his thong. really, no one can ride fast enough for that to pass ...

-man who rides his bike with his cat on his bare shoulders. is it declawed? what is it holding on to?

-man with "git-r-drunk" tshirt. no further explanation needed.

-COLLEGE KIDS hahahahahahahahaha

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhah. they crack me up, with their orange UT garb, galavanting around the campus area. fools.

-preston a. patterson

-woman we pass every morning that stepped directly out of 1983. not even the late 80's? really? thick white socks, pantyhose, long floral dress with shoulder pads, sneakers.

-skinny pedicab drivers

-taco bell patrons ... we're in the place that invented the glory of texmex and tbell is still appealing?

-new complex owner that totes around his holster and pistol. EPITOME OF A TEXAN with a bigass belt buckle, expensive cowboy hat, boots, drawl.

*

are we human, or are we dancers?